Not too long ago, Cosmopolitan posted a list of things your vagina wants you to know. Among them were the proper terminology of the different parts in your vagina, what to do about smells and the benefits of not wearing underwear to sleep. Which, well, duh. When I read the list I thought “no way is my vagina that intellectual!” Don’t get me wrong, she’s got a lot to say but not much of it is as informative as what the vaginas behind Cosmo are saying. So I sat down and really listened to what my little lady has been trying to tell me. And just as I suspected, it was straight up ridiculousness. And I bet your vagina is full of it, too.
- Hey, you know that burning hot wax you put on me last week so I could be damn-near scalped? I didn’t care for it and please don’t let it happen again.
- Can you stop being so cheap and buy me some silk underwear? They make me feel like a princess.
- I agree with you, periods suck, but don’t put that sh*t on me. Blame the uterus!
- Um, don’t get me wrong, I like the guy we’re with but would it kill you to bring back Mr. Vibrator once in a while?
- A skirt and no panties today?? THIS is living!
- I know you’re trying to cure our yeast infection but I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to EAT that yogurt and not apply it directly on me. Idiot.
- Don’t EVER ask your friend about giving birth again!! Those descriptions gave me nightmares. Promise me you won’t do that to me.
- Can we get vajazzaled today? It was so much fun last summer and I felt like a Las Vegas showgirl.
- Butthole bleaching? Since when does the ass get all the attention?
- Don’t compare me to others. I’m a unique flower.
